On June 1st, 2010 our lives changed. We were on our way to a DREADED, but somewhat hopeful vet appointment with our beloved dog "Jagur" (pronounced Jagger). His sister "June" was going crazy in the living room as we went out the front door with her brother, she wanted to go to...she didn't know it'd be the last time she'd see him. We(my husband and I)loaded up our 2 younger children, Hannah (5.5yo) and Asher (3yo)along with Jag, and headed off. I am not sure what my husband was thinking, it was a semi-quiet ride. We only spoke about random, nonsensical things. But I still believe we were hopeful Jagur could be helped. It may be a rough road to recovery for him, but we still thought he'd eventually get better.
Starting in January 2010 we noticed Jagur squinting. I believe it was our oldest, Braedan (8yo) who pointed it out to me one day, "Hey mom, Jagur's squinting." Sometimes he would make a face like that, with his mouth a certain way that we swore it was a doggy smile...But this seemed different. It eventually went away, so we didn't make an appointment, just went on like usual. This probably only lasted a coulpe days, and off & on. Then in February he was squinting again, and when one of us let him inside from going to the bathroom, that he was running into the house. Not coming to the door like usual, like he couldn't find his way. I remember I noticed it that morning, but thought maybe he was just sniffing and being silly. But when I was out that afternoon, and my husband let him in it was worse, and he called me. Jagur was highly disoriented and his eyes were bulging. He was pacing the house, running into our legs, the couch, etc. We called and made him an appointment, which my father in law ended up taking him to, because I was running the kids around to school things, and husband had a tight schedule at work. Vet told FIL to give him meds & drops for his eyes. The vet had mentioned a possible "trauma" of some kind to Jagur's head. We knew it wasn't something the kids did, knowing kids can be rough, but our dogs solely were kept in the kitchen area, and the kids barely messed around in there playing. And if something like that had happened (they bonked him, accidentally hit him,etc.) we'd know about it. I was always in there, and very aware of the surroundings in the house. The only thing we could come up with, is that he liked laying under the kitchen table...so possibly he was under there and when we called him to go outside, he popped up and hit himself on the chair or table. So we did the meds and drops, things seemed to get much better.
Fast forward to March and April, a couple more appointments, they checked him and his eyes were still bulging, so we tried different meds and drops this time. The new drops made him wince, he didn't like them at all. Finally my husband stopped, it seemed like something was going on internally, and the drops were no longer helping. We were starting to think this would just be Jagur's life. Or one suggestion was to have his eyes removed. I shuddered at this thought, but if it brought him peace from the pain of the pressure on his eyes, then I'd do it if I knew it would help. We then started noticing after our vacation in May that he was getting VERY skinny. He was eating, but not gaining weght...he was losing it. His hair was growing back in patches, mother in law (a groomer) felt him and noticed lumps on his throat. We knew this wasn't good.
June 1st we were headed to the appointment to see what they were going to suggest next. All this time I was so afraid he'd give up and I'd find him laying on his dog bed at home, passed away. But he held on through meds and drops, he was such a trooper. We got inside, waited, and finally went back. The Dr. started to feel him, she didn't like the way he looked, and she kept going as she felt: "Oh...." or "I am not liking this." It was nerve wracking. She said she felt lumps everywhere, that it was probably Lymphoma cancer. She also noticed his liver was enlarged. He looked awful that day, and we had a couple choices...1) Chemo. Thousands of dollars, no guarantees and possibly more thousands if the first rounds didn't work. 2) Let him go home, and live some more, with this condition but hold onto him longer. Or 3) Let him go. His quality of life was zilch. He was laying on his pillow everyday, resting. His eyes were extended and poking out everyday. He was eating, but losing weight rapidly. He wasn't joyous any longer, and we couldn't be selfish. This was his life, and it wasn't going so well. The cancer and lumps were winning. We couldn't watch him suffer any longer, and we couldn't afford chemo therapy (which people rarely do anyway, a lot are against it).
The lovely staff played with the kids out front, while Derrick and I cried and petted Jag man. I always have so many things on my mind; sports, games, deadlines, end of school activities, money worries, did I forget this?, did I do this? You know how that goes...and then this. My mind was so flooded, I almost didn't want to face it, embrace it, let any emotion out because I already felt so drained. Did I want to bawl? Yes, but I was trying to hold back. I always do that, and it hits me later. I was afraid to hug my husband, because I knew then he'd lose it (he already was sitting there) and then I'd go insane. But then I asked the kids to come in for one last hug & pet of Jagur. I was half sad my oldest couldn't be there, he was in school(his 2nd to last day) and he had no clue...He had no idea his last sight, hug,etc. of Jagur would be that morning before school. When Hannah and Asher came in the room, we age appropriately tried to tell them what was going on, and what was going to happen. And I let myself cry. We explained Jagur wouldn't be coming home with us. That he was very, very sick and was going to Doggy heaven. He was dying. Hannah, my free-spirited 5yr old said a few moments later (after hugging him & saying I love you), "Can we get a poodle?" I guess that's how 5yr olds handle it-they think of it as a prized possession of course, but like a toy or something if you lose it, just replace it. She had recently the past few months become REALLY attached to the animals in our house (Jagur and June our doggies, and Maisy our cat). Weird timing, because here we are now letting one go...I knew she loved him, and was going to miss him. In fact as soon as we got home, she drew a picture for him. So sweet.
Asher, our 3yr old, just kept repeating, "Jagur's going bye bye." He even said it on the way out from the vet, and an older man was sitting there with his dog, waiting on an appointment, and just sadly smiled. He could sense what had happened. Anyone could by our red, crying eyes.
We let the kids go back out front and play with the kitten and cats. We stayed in the room while they gave Jagur the first shot which sedates him. I can honestly say, he looked peaceful. Not breathing heavy as he had for the past month or two. He was calm. We cried some more, it was so hard. We let it ALL out. And when they came back in to do the second shot, which stops the heart, my husband turned away and I held Jagur's back paws. They gave it to him, and I slowly saw his body stop. It was incredibly tragic for me to watch a life end. I've never seen or been through anything like it in my life. Not even with past pets from when I was growing up. The room was quiet, the Dr. grabbed her stethescope and said to us, "He's gone now." We lost it again, as we touched him one last time, and she carted him off. We went out to the van, just experiencing one of the worst events to date, and silently thought of Jag the entire ride home.
I immediately thought of calling my mom when we got home, because she had been so concerned for him as well. Everytime we talked on the phone, she asked how he was doing. I thought of how am I going to tell Braedan when he gets home from school? Derrick would be at work, I'd have to do it alone. Which was fine, I'm used to doing a lot on my own with a husband who works so much, and so hard. But that didn't make it any easier. I thought of June, his sister...they were only 7yrs old, how could this happen for her brother at such a young age? They were NEVER apart. They were so close...the last couple months, she would lick his eyes for him. As if she knew they were hurting him. Oddly enough she had abandoned him at night in the kitchen (where their dog beds lay) and started sleeping on the floor in our room, or our son's room. Almost like she knew she'd be on her own soon. I wondered if she'd mourn as well. Of course, she has a soul. A heart. She knows.
I watched June that night, gazing out the window every once in awhile, probably expecting Jagur back from the groomers, or doctors. That's the only time they were ever apart was when one of them, if not both, had an appointment of some kind. She kept looking, and I just petted her. She didn't eat a whole lot for a couple days, and you could tell she was sullen. She missed her partner in crime. Badly.
I decided after we had to pick up Braedan that day from school, that we'd distract ourselves a bit and head to the park for some fun. I wanted Braedan to be calm when we got home, and satisfied from playing and having a joyous time, so that when the bad news came, it wouldn't weigh so heavily. I thought the entire time, what am I going to say? How will he react? Will he be upset he wasn't there? So many thoughts raced.
We got home around dinner time, and while the other 2 kids played I took Braedan into his quiet room, to talk. I told him we had taken Jag to the doctors that morning and that he was very, very sick. I explained that he had passed away and that it was a tough choice to make. But he knew already just how sick Jagur was...the kids noticed that he was bony and skinny, had patchy hair, and big eyes. Braedan's first reaction was, "Awww, I wish I had been there." I then told him that Daddy and I were crying and VERY sad, and it was a sad thing and maybe it was best he was at school. He will be 8 in under 2 weeks, he's older, he would have been so emotional. He then said something to me that I thought was so noble, so grown up. He said, "Mom, atleast we have June & Maisy. And we can remember when Jagur was healthy. The good times. And you just never know how long a dog or cat will live." I smiled and said, "You're right." We talked for a couple more minutes, about the good memories, and then I let him play cars in his room.
This week has been hard. Every time I let June out to go potty in the backyard I see her running in the green grass, to her favorite spot by the tree (where she chases squirrels and birds) and wish Jagur was there beside her. Like he used to be. I went to feed June that nigh and saw his food bowl, a green color, next to hers...Sadness overcame me. I had tears. A lot of those moments have come over me this week, and the kids still talk about Jagur now everyday. He was so much a part of our lives.
I was upset one night thinking about how busy our lives our with work, the kids, sports, etc. that we didn't have a whole lot of pictures of our dogs. I just had to find some somehow (I knew earlier ones existed) and I wanted to see his face again. Weirdly enough, that same night, we went to Braedan's baseball game and my mom brought me a ziploc with a couple pictures of Jag and June, and one framed pic (so beautiful) of Jagur when his hair was full, he looked happy and healthy...I am so thankful for the pictures. I put the framed one on top of our tv, for us to look at all the time, whenver we wish to see Jagur. We plan on making some sort of memorial and will definitely encorporate pictures into it.
We will always miss you Jag. I think about you all the time. The other night I was gardening, to distract myself, and I heard a deep bark. I thought to myself, "Oh shush Jag, it's just a lady walking her dog." And then I remembered it wasn't him. It sounded like him, but it wasn't him. His love was so great. He was the sweetest dog, would never hurt a fly. In his glory days, he was a big lover-77lbs!! He always thought he was a lap dog, ha. He would step up onto your lap, and just wait patiently for love. He was one of those dogs you could count on. If you let him on the porch, he'd probably just lay there by your side. He wouldn't go crazy barking and carrying on (like his sister June, God love her). He was just a happy, laid back guy. He will be greatly missed. Forever.
Here's a pic I'd like to share that I finally found on the computer. June is kissing him in this picture. Pricless.
